The Top 7 Reasons You Shouldn’t Drink While Watching Movies

Oh yeah, let’s talk about this.  First of all I love drinking while watching movies.  The difference between me and the people/groups of people I’m going to call out is that I don’t have a problem with most of these because I think I may be an alcoholic. (Joking?) Regardless, I actually have a piece in the works entitled the top 10 movie drinking games in which I have hand-picked several very original movie drinking games and am method writing the article to them. (Not joking)  For instance, how many times does Jack say “Rose” in Titanic, and in turn, how many drinks does this cause me to drink?  Wouldn’t you like to know?  Yeah that’s what I thought.  And the answer is……… well refer to #1 as to why I don’t have an answer as of yet please..  Before you do, please do this list full justice and go in order.

Sometimes, movies and drinking don’t go together well and this causes wild shit to happen.  Unfortunately I’m sure a lot of you will just blow off this article, but when one of these situations plays out just like I wrote it, I’ll laugh when I say I told you so.  If you’re going to drink I suggest white wine or light beer and a movie of less than 2 and a half hours.  Otherwise this is what could happen to you.

7)  You Don’t Want to be “That Guy”

I hate watching movies with “That Guy.”  You know, that guy who pretends he’s into the film only to be like,

“who’s that dude again?”  “What’s going on?”

“For the fifth time my idiotic friend, that’s George Clooney.  He travels around the country and he fires people.”

“Um, why does he do that?”

DIPSHIT!  Stop downing whiskey cokes and you might be able to remember something.  Or if you weren’t blinded by the alcohol you could remember that in good movies characters and situations are explained when they might not make sense at first.  Usually spurned by alcohol this is a situation you want to avoid, especially when watching movies with serious film hipsters and geeks.  They will eat your children and kick you out of their movie-watching club.  They may also take “Paranoid Android” too seriously so watch out.  Off with his head man!  Off with his HEAD!!

6)  You Spilled your Drink and it Messed Up My Concentration

You just spilled your red wine all over my hardwood floor.  Now I have to pause the movie and clean it up while you stand there pretending to help.  And if you’re one of those who’s actually courteous about cleaning up your mess in someone else’s house then I’m still mad because you just made me pause the movie.  Right at the plot break!  Now get something that will keep that glass stuck to your hand or, using logic, don’t put the glass next to your foot when there’s an incredibly tense action sequence which leads you kick your leg out in excitement causing you to knock over your glass and spill… RED… WINE… ON… MY… HARDWOOD… FLOOR.  Total inconvenience.  Of course, this could happen with non-alcoholic drinks like Coke and water too but frustration is heightened with movie watchers who have to deal with this when alcohol is involved.  Always blame it on the alcohol, like Jamie Foxx.

5)  “Say, do you agree that Kathy Bates looks good in this picture?…”

…And now she’s naked, just what I was hoping for, SCORE!  Drunk goggles don’t discriminate.  It doesn’t matter if you’re at a bar, a party, the grocery store, or watching a movie.  If you’re drunk your standards go down no way of avoiding that.  And you might end up saying something as stupid as this.  Then your boys/girls will make fun of you and you will bow your head out in shame.  It’s a sad way to go and that’s why I am warning you to not overdo it when watching movies with, while talented and oftentimes prestigious, not the best-looking women (or men) in the world.

P.S. I’d probably bang her.  And by probably I mean definitely.

4)  You’ll start quoting your favorite lines before they happen

This is a huge setback of movie-watching with groups of people sober or not.  I know this situation could play out at an AA meeting but it’s more often unavoidable when alcohol is involved.  While some may not have a problem with this, others (mainly me), want to rip your heart out of your chest fatality-style and serve it to an angry pitbull.  There is no excuse for this.  You watch movies again and again, not just because they’re your favorite, but to gain new perspectives and reconnect with the story/characters.  If you have a friend guilty of this and you want them to shut up and they’re willing to cooperate, duct tape their mouth from ear-to-ear.  Double productive because they can’t drink and they can’t talk.  PERFECT!

3)  What happens when you drink, even a soda, at the movie theater?  You pee.  What happens when you drink alcohol anywhere? You pee even more.

Self-explanatory and this situation is pretty much unavoidable so just hurry up and go to the bathroom and we can move on.  Thanks.  But seriously you’re like a child and an 85-year old man at the same time.  Grow up and stop taking years of life off of your bladder at the same time.  Moving on.

2)  Whiskey Dick

Have you ever watched a romantic movie while consuming alcohol with a woman and then things got hot and heavy?  When it came down to perform were you still thinking about how hot Scarlett Johansson looked in her tight black leather suit during the movie?  Then how’d you manage not getting it up?  Ding Ding Ding!  The answer my friends is you had too much to drink and your penis is suffering the consequences of your irresponsibility.  The girl you viewed it with may have even been hot but if Scarlett’s not getting the job done this girls not getting it up either.  I could take this one off the list if they made an alcoholic drink that served as an erectile encourager.  Unfortunately gents, and my lady friends also frustrated by this (I know you want your man!), alcohol connoisseurs  haven’t quite figured this one out yet.  They’d sell like hotcakes, and whiskey dick would be gone forever.  Wouldn’t you love that?

1)  You pass out sitting up on your bed with no neck support, with a drink in your right hand, and the remote control in your left hand.

Unfortunately this one’s not very funny.  Also very unfortunate is the fact that I’ve had this happen to me many times.  It’d be hypocrisy if I made fun of you for this.  Close your eyes and imagine, you’re watching a good film, one you’ve never seen before.  You pass out and wake up 3 hours later not remembering what part of the movie you were at.  Your head is pounding, and your neck feels even worse because it was supporting your drunk head which was probably bobbling all over the place in your drunken-induced, late-night “nap.”  Now your hangover is doubled because your neck and face and head hurt.  I guess that’s actually tripled.  To top it all off there’s a liquid spot on your bed because your right hand tipped over causing your drink to dribble out just a little bit.  But there’s still remnants of the downed soldier taunting you from the glass.  Like, “I know you want to drink the rest of me before you go to bed for good this time.  Don’t let my friends memories be forgotten in vain.  Seriously drink me.  You asshole.”  And then for the finale you look up and the DVD or netflix instant stream you were watching is at the title screen.  Now your Xbox has mileage on it it didn’t need, and if this happens to you often it’s that much closer to red-ringing.  No bueno joseno.  Again, not funny but as an expert of the drunken-movie watching-I passed out-hangover  this is one you want to avoid at all costs.

And that is why this makes the list at number one!

If you have any more for honorable mention or would like me to add to this list please feel free to comment below or send me an e-mail.  I’d love to hear your drunken movie-watching stories!!!

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About Chris Lewis

I think I'm cool. I know I'm tall. I have red hair but I'm not sure I'll have any hair in 10 years.

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